To :) Or Not To :)

The other day, I was having an interesting conversation with a few of my coworkers - I had recently gone on a few dates with a fine young man and although he was really very nice and there was nothing inherently wrong with him, I just was not interested. After our last date, this young man had texted me to follow up and say hi and that he'd had a great time. Not wanting to be rude, I replied and said something along the lines of "thanks. i had a nice time too." I felt that was polite without being too misleading, and since I had to write something back, that was really my best option.

Well apparently this text message was misleading because that message was followed by a series of more messages, and they mostly were of the "just wondering how your day is going" nature and questions about when we could see each other again. Clearly, my method of being short and polite was not working. Don't get me wrong, this guy wasn't being stalker-ish or creepy by any means, but I felt that it was unfair for me to continue to send him messages that were apparently being interpreted as "I love it when you text me every 2 hours. Please take me out again." Not to mention that I was starting to get pretty annoyed - it's the Sagittarius in me. Check in on me incessantly and I will rue the day you were born, but leave me be and you will quickly become one of my favorite people.

Anyway, that's when I decided I needed some outside help. I will completely admit that I am pretty much clueless when it comes to the way that guys think. I went to an all-girls' Catholic high school, was vice president of my sorority at college, and work on all-female team at my current job. So with all of that, coupled with the fact that I myself am a female, I can pretty much interpret and predict any and all behavior of those of us blessed with double X chromosomes. Throw a Y in there though, and you might as well be asking me to explain my theories on how to achieve cold fusion. After consulting with a few of my female friends, I got the three following suggestions:

1. Ignore him entirely. 

2. Continue to be polite but never agree to a date until he gets the point and backs off or gets bored.

3. Tell him you're a lesbian and that your date was the turning point at which you decided you actually liked girls. Thank him for the realization.

I wasn't really a fan of any of these options, especially considering the fact that we had mutual friends and that I would have to see him time and again - I didn't really want to have to feel bad for being rude or take the risk that he might not stop texting me until I'm 30. Or worse yet, that he might "out" me, telling people that my fascination with Justin Bieber  "just makes so much sense now." So, I turned to the experts - guys.

I explained my dilemma to a few of my male friends. They all told me the same thing - "You're too nice," to which I exclaimed, "Then what am I supposed to do? Be rude?" Again, they said generally the same thing: "Yes." They explained to me how guys will take even the smallest bit of kindness from a girl that they like and interpret it as her never-ending desire to go on countless dates and have many babies with them. (Side note - that sounds awful to me). This, of course, was news to me. I am a generally nice person and I really do not like being mean or rude to people, especially when I think they don't deserve it, so for me to now have to be rude to someone who really did nothing bad to me was not something I was really excited about. "What did you write to him last?" they asked. "Nothing really, I mean I'm trying not to lead him on - you know?" So I told them what it had said, which was something along the lines of, "i'm doing great, thanks for asking." And then I told them that I put one of those little smiley faces at the end, just to be nice (because even though I'm now in my twenties, I still love a good emoticon).

"Wait, you put a smiley face in there?" they asked, shocked that I would ever do such a thing. "Um, yeah, why?" I asked, sincerely confused. "Dude, the smiley face is like an open invitation - you basically just told him that you think he's amazing and that you can't wait to see him again." "Are you serious?" I said, "it's a smiley face - I send smiley faces to my Dad."

"It doesn't matter - the smiley face is a clear indication that you're interested in him. It doesn't even matter what the rest of the message said - you could have been like "i love puppies and rain :)" and all he's going to see is that damn smiley face." "Oh God," I said, "I had no idea." "It's ok," they said. "Just don't tell me you sent him a winky face."

"Why, what's the deal with the winky face?" I asked. "Really? You might as well just show up at his house with no pants on."

And at that, I immediately scrolled through my text messages to see how many people I had inadvertently sent "no pants" invitations to in the last month. None. Thank God - THAT would have been awkward.

"Seriously?" I asked. "This all seems really complicated for a text message. Just tell me what to write to get him to stop but doesn't make me feel like a total wench for being completely rude to him."

"Just be honest - tell him you had a nice time but that you're just not interested and that you wish him the best. Unless he's a total girly man, he'll respect that you were up front with him, and yeah, he might be hurt, but that's better then leading him on for months or ignoring him entirely and leaving him to wonder what he did wrong."

And that's what I did. And surprisingly (or not, to everyone but me), it went well. He thanked me, said that he was disappointed but understood, and the texts stopped there. I have seen him out since, and happily, there was no awkwardness or tension.

And everyone lived happily ever after. Well, maybe - I haven't spoken to the guy since, aside from a few polite conversations we've had when out with friends, and he seemed to be just fine. He could have went directly home afterwards and scrolled through his text messages to find all his locked messages with the smiley faces I sent him, crying silently into his pillow and shaking his fists at God, but I have the feeling those text messages have long been deleted and that he probably went home, had a beer, and texted a new lady-friend. And as for me, well let's just say that I won't be so cavalier with the smiley faces next time.

Until next time,
S.
:)